


Drowning Air

by orphan_account



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Assault, Beverly chose Bill, Bill being an asshole, Body Image, F/M, Gen, Heartbreak, M/M, Mentions of Stan and Mike, Minor Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, One-Sided Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Panic Attacks, Richie Tozier is a Good Friend, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-16 04:36:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21265175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: You do so much to change yourself for a person that it begins to take a toll on your brain. Ben Hanscom tried so hard- to no avail.





	Drowning Air

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably very poorly written due to not being in a great state of mind while writing it.

Ben felt his chest cave. He felt so helpless. He wanted to leave. He needed to quit.  
  
He walked into his bathroom, latched the door and began wailing. He wanted to rip his hair out of his scalp. Everything ached. Why- Why did he try so hard? Everything he did was for no fucking reason. His good grades? It didn't matter. His voice? It didn't matter. No one ever chose him. He silently prayed to a god he hadn't believed for years.   
  
He fell to his knees. Tears fell down his face quickly as if they were trying to escape their fate. He squeezed his lids closed so tight he could see spotted colors. He prayed desperately for a sign, Something to tell him that he was worth more than what everyone told him. He was just another fat kid who hit puberty and started losing. No one cared how hard he worked or that he struggled so fucking hard with food. No one cared that he had a borderline eating problem- They just saw thin. Everyone complimented him but he felt worse by it.  
  
He had baby fat which was now rosy on his face. He felt as if he couldn't inhale. The day had winded him so bad.  
  
Henry had pulled his shirt apart in the gym to show everyone his permanent initial. He was followed after school; Henry and Pat made crude innuendo at him. Ben punched Henry which resulted in a hideout. Once he got to the clubhouse was faced with the tragedy of seeing crush and "friend" smooch it up.  
  
Bill made it a mission to tell the boy he wasn't wanted through body language as Bev threw apologetic looks his way.  
  
He went home after 30 minutes of Stan and Mike trying to distract him.  
  
He felt like his heart was crushed in his chest, utterly shattered. That's when it started. The depression and panic set in like a deep swamp in his lungs."Fuck." He shrieked.   
That's how he ended up here- in the bathroom sobbing like a baby.   
  
He could hear the phone ring but He couldn't get off of the floor to get it. Everything hurt like he was being ripped apart. His breath faltered and wheezed as he crawled at his chest. It felt like his scar had reopened and was bleeding out onto the floor. He would have preferred that. He would have preferred to have just bled out of the floor that day.   
  
He weakly stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. "Why am I not good enough?" He whispered. He thought of Beverly. He'd been rejected more than 3 times- why? After everything that happened, she still chose Bill. He wanted to punch the glass off of the mirror but decided against it.   
Instead, he opened it. His anti-depressant and anxiety meds were stacked away neatly in there thanks to Eddie.   
  
He snatched them, destroying the arrangement. He poured an unreasonable amount of both prescriptions into his palm and stared. 'What are you planning on doing with those, Hanscom?' His conscience asked plainly. Ben just gawked at his palm. What was he doing? He tilted his head and dry swallowed some. Then he turned the faucet on a took more.   
  
It didn't take long for the medications to kick in. He sat down on the floor. He didn't cry. He felt numb.   
He felt himself start shutting down to the point he didn't hear his door open. "Ben! Holy shit!" He heard someone yell.  
  
Everything was blurry. Cold. He felt burning in his throat from retching up stomach acid. He was wet and tired. What was going on? Why was it so loud? Why was everything moving so fast?   
  
So many questions but no enough time.  
  
He opened his eyes slowly to the sound of beeping. His throat was sore and he had a drip hooked up to him. He turned his head to the side to see his mom with dried tears on her face, she was sleeping. A doctor came in, "Good you're awake." He said warmly.   
He was a tall man, dark-skinned with nice lips. He reminded Ben of Mike in away. The kind look and an overall friendly demeanor.  
  
"So to catch you up on everything you missed. You are in the hospital."  
"Yeah."  
"You are here because of an overdose on prescription pills." He flipped through files on a clipboard. Ben looked down feeling ashamed of himself.   
"A friend I'm presuming, Richie Tozier, came into your home and found you barely conscious. He tried to do the best he could by putting you in a cold shower and making you regurgitate the pills but you were still unresponsive."   
"Richie?"  
"He called emergency contacts and now you are here. You can be released tomorrow but you will be on suicide watch for the next two weeks." The doctor wrote on the paper.  
"Sound good?"  
"Yes, sir."  
"Good."   
He clicked the pen and patted Ben on the shoulder before leaving the room.   
  
Once his mom woke up she was smothering him with love and asking questions. Ben told her what had happened and even though she didn't approve of some things he did, she would not say anything. She traced the scar on his stomach and pledged to get a restraining order against that prick Henry.  
  
After an hour or so of talking his mom excused herself to go get some food from the hospital cafeteria.   
  
A few minutes passed and Richie walked in, Eddie followed behind him. Richie looked nice. He had showered, wore a button-down and was carrying a bouquet of flowers. Eddie looked about the same but with a smug look as he elbowed Richie. "I'll be back."  
  
Richie set down the flowers with Eddie left. "Hey." Was all he said. Ben said it back not knowing what else to say.   
Richie hugged him and squeezed him so tightly. "Don't ever fucking do that again. I thought I lost you, haystack." He sounding like he was on the verge of crying. "The losers wouldn't be the same without you." He pulled back.  
His tears looked huge under his coke bottle glasses.   
"Yeah right." Ben laughed. "Thanks," He said looking at Rich. "For giving me another chance."  
Ben was still sad, heartbroken, but he didn't want to die.   
  
Richie smiled and then he heard the door open and Eddie arguing. In walked Beverly Marsh in one of her nice Sunday dresses. Ben felt his heart shatter even worse. Richie grabbed his hand and stood his ground. "Ben, what happened?" She asked softly.   
"You know what happened. Shit like this spreads faster Eddie's mom's legs. It's s in the fucking news for crying out loud."   
  
It's in the news.  
  
"Shut up Trashmouth!" She yelled. "You shut up your plastic surface level bitch!"  
  
It's funny how if on cue, Arlene walked through the door. Here eyes were deadset on Bev. "I think you need to leave." She said coldly.   
  
"I haven't done anything." Bev defended. "You're right. You didn't. Now please leave before I call security."   
  
None of this was explained until later when Stan and Mike came to visit as well. Apparently, while he was still in his semi-conscious state, he rambled about what was going on and Beverly's name was mentioned. Bev used to be his best friend and she broke his heart too many times to count. But it wasn't her fault what Ben did because Ben did it to himself.  
He understood that but he would get why his mom and Richie were angry.  
  
He was just happy that everything turned out okay.   
He ended up getting very close to Tozier. Richie often came to his PT sessions because Ben had some problems with his gross motor skills in his hands and knees. It was nothing too serious but he had to partially relearn and strengthen it back up.   
If Ben looked like he was getting stressed or about to fall, Richie was there to catch him.  
  
He actually ended up falling for the boy with glasses way harder than he expected. He never told him (due to past issues) but he was glad to have such an amazing friend.  
  
  
  



End file.
